Advice to a Young Gentleman on Entering
Society. Philadelphia, 1839. 295p.
G360 A939 A839. By a Gentleman.
Society
Pp. 18-19 Constant usage in society, and familiarity with men and women,
are of great importance in teaching young men to correct that over estimation,
which ignorance forms of the abilities of particular persons, and the difficulties
of certain professions. A bashful youth, who hears of such a one as "the
witty," "the accomplished," or "the thoroughly bred,"
fancies the subject of such epithets, a being of a different species from
himself, and as having a gift from the gods, and qualitites which he never
can attain. If he sees such people intimately, and often, he will discover
that their defects are numerous, and that what exellences they have, are
the mere result of toil and attention, and he will learn that the same means
will put him in possession of the same adornments. He will thus learn the
wisdom of hopefulness, and of cheerful enterprise. That kind of contempt
which familiarity causes, for men and things, is necessary for him who would
deal with them rightly. It is thus that the world is subdued unto the mind,
and thus it arrives to the practised intellect, that nothing can daunt its
ambition or distrust its action. to amire is to be, so far forth, an inferior,
and a coward; for veneration is of the nature of slavery. Familiarity with
eminent persons will show how small a portion of what is called greatness
is natural, and how much is acquired and artificial. All men are conscious
of their own failings, and that they may feel a proper and comparative self-respect,
they should see the failings of others: that they will infallibly do, if
they look closely.
Modesty
Pp.37-39 We spoke, in the beginning of theis chapter, of the propriety of
regulationg the life in accordance with some definite, edeal character,merely
for the illumination of the conduct and the satisfaction f the xonsciecne
of the intellect. For the more politic purpose of prevailing in what your
undertake, and haing your powers and possessions acknowledged by the world,
it is equally necessary to arrange them according to theordinary distrubutions
of reutation, and to let it be known that you assusme such or such a character,
and that you insist on having it admitted. Men will always take you at wahat
you declare yourself; and men have only to choose what title they will have,
and assert it usually, and they will obtain it from the acquiescence of
the multitudde, as certainly as if they had received letters patent. Modesty
is a quality that never profits. To understate your merit is a certain means
of having it undervalued. "In our bad world," saysgoldsmith,,
"respect is given where respect is claimed." and LaBruyere says,
with similar and equal wisdom, " On ne vaut jamais dans ce monde que
ce qu'on veut valoir." Quiet perseverance in assumption through a sufficeint
length of time wil lbring a man to any situation he aspire to, and give
him any epithets he wishes. "Continual claim," the lawyers say,
"will keep alive the title to an estate: if maintained firmly enough,
and through a sufficiently long period, it would create a title to any thing
except an estate, - even to the throne of England, or the fame of Caesar.
P.53 But if in any scene or among any persons, it should be deemed expedient
to assume an apppearnace of modesty, it then becomes very important to distinguish
beween that quality and timidness. The one is an affair of show, the other
of feeling; that is to conciliate taste, this saps and ruins strength: the
last is as noxious in effect, as the first is pleasing in form. He, therefore,
who puts on an air of diffidence, must be very carful that this sentiment
which he outwardly enacts, does not enter and affect his purposes and character.
Modesty is an appearance assumed to gain an object; if it makes us really
diffident, the weapon we have grasped, has cut our hand.
Gossip and Wit
Pp.56-58 A young man should be very diligent in shunning the reputation
of a dealer in gosssip. That profession is a mean and little one, and society
treats it with deserved contempt. It is the humour of a waiting-man to talk
about the small affairs of others, and it is an impertinence and a confession
of the superiority of another, not honourable to a gentleman. It is likewise
not a very safe thing to gain the reputation of being a wit. The burden
which that imposes on a man, and the disadvantage atwhich he conversed,
who has it, have been humorously exhibited by Dr. Johnson*; and the effectwhich
it has in making a man disliked and readed, has been stated by Lord Chesterfield,
with something of the earnestness of one who had felt what he declared.
" That ready wit," says he, "which you so partially allow
me, and so justly , Sir Charles Wiliams, may create many admirers; but,
take my word for it, it makes few friends. It shines and dazles like the
noon-day sun, but, like that too, is very apt to scorch; and, therefore,
is always feared. The milder, morning and evening, light and that of that
planet, sooth and calm our minds." A better reputation for the drawing-room,
is that of being "agreeable." It has all the advantage which the
other has in making one's society recherchee, without the evil of making
one formidable. A wit carries with him much of the terror of old attended
the satiric poet.
*Rambler, No. 101
Entrance into Society
Pp.67-68 There are some departments of action in which it is fatal to the
highest success, to come upon the scene too early in life. In politics,
for example, it is important that the adventurer should assume a commanding
position at the outset, and that he should bring with him upon the stage
the power and knowledge which the future exigencies of his career will require.
His public life is one long contest; and when the trumpet has sounded on
the field, the period of preparation is past. It is otherwise in respect
of company; there, long years of inferiority and failure are no bar to subsequent
success: and there, the more one is conversant, the better one is versed;
so that, other qualities being equal, the longer a man has mingled in society
the abler he will be to sustain his part. It is, therefore, in every regard,
advisable that a young man should enter into company at as early a period
as possible. Those considerations which prescribe a particular era and season
for the debut of a young lady, are in no degree applicable to young
men: there is no reason why they should not come into society when boys,
and grow up in it.
Experience in Society
Pp. 76-77 While, therefore, you consider the best and most elevated society
of the place you reside in, as your home and abiding-place, you should endeavour
to see as much as posssible of every other. All enlargement of your experience
in that matter will add to the variety and readiness of your manners, and
extend and strengthen the resources of your character. Every description
and grade of company has its pecuiar advantages of improvement to one who
is capaable of employing it properly: he who seeks wherever he can find
it, will make acquaintance with each circle, to receive the moral avancement
which it has to impart. Accordingly, it is proper to go among one's betters
in rank and talent, to learn modesty and find models; and among one's inferiors
to acquire confidence nad self-possession. The latter will add strength
to your nature as much as the former will give refinement to your behaviour.
To bring yourself on in that circle of which I have spoken, it is a politic
method to select and single out some particular woman, advancing in life
and, therefore, declining in attraction, unmarried - and there are apt to
be many old maids in this rank of life - fashionable, influential, talkative,
and vain; and pay to her the most diligent court and attention, and become,
though not slavishly, her attendant and page. She will puff and extol you
among her friends, and will be engaged to make you a reputation worthy of
her admirer.
Man as Example
Pp. 81-82 If in the circle which you frequent there is any man particularly
eminent and admired for any valuable quality, as wit, eloquence, or manners,
you should endeavor to make yourself intimate with him, that you may see
behind the curtain of this show, and learn what are the principles of conduct,
the habits, studies, and maxims, by the aid and exercise of which he has
made himself what he is. You will see by how much painful labour and continuous
toil, his excellence has been attained; how many mortifying failures and
defeats he has passed through to arrive at success; and how much of imperfection
and trick there is in those highest exhibitions which get him a reputation
of copious and sustained ability. You will in these discoveries get much
to console you in discomfiture, and to encourage you to renewed endeavours
and attempts. You will learn how gradual and cumulative in acquisition,
and how doubtful and hazardous in exhibition, is that power whose displays
come at length to be considered as the unstrained brilliance of a natural
spendour of genius. You wil find that striving and trial are the only requisites
for obtaining this ability, and boldness and confidence the only qualities
demanded for its exercise. And you will perceive that nothing but indolence
and cowardice can keep you from being at the summit of accomplishment in
that matter.
Which Women to Seek
Pp. 94-96 Among women, it is not so much the young, the fair and the gay,
as the more educated and finished, and therefore, more advanced in life,
whose society you should frequent and whose intimacy you should seek. At
least, the former are only to be courted for pleasure and prevailment, and
as far as fashion renders advisable: the latter are to be cultivated for
the refinement of the taste, the settlement of the principles, and the formation
of the manners. This remark has a peculiarly emphatic application in America:
in the society of Europe, that class which we speak of, - composed of persons,
never perhaps beautiful, but on that very acount more habitually and systematically
attentive to the polish of the mind and style, - mature in years and wanting
at the same time the fascination and the faults of unproved youth - and
distinguished for wit and sense far more than for wealth - would be found
in the fore-ground of the drawing-room, and there would be no distinction
between interest of character and fashoin of standing.
How to Impress
P.101 The impression you should be desirous of making upon men and women,
and thetalents you should exert n your intercourse with those two classes,
are very different, yet the respect of one cleass and the affection of the
other mutually aid and increase one another. A French writer has a good
observation on that point: "Pour plaire aux femmes, il faut etre consedere
des hommes: et pour plaire aux hommmes, il faut savoir plaire aux femmes."
Manners
P.114 A tragedy of Shakspeare feebly performed, an overture of Beethoven
blunderingly played, a sermon of Massillon awkwardly delivered, are the
types of a strong man badly mannered.
Irrelevant Social Formalites
Pp.115-116 It is sometimes said by pedants who argue from Aldrich, and sometimes
thought by more practical persons who do not reason from a thorough experience
of the world, that certain established ceremonies and points of conduct
are irrational and senseless, and that there is no reason why a particular
behaviour or action should indicate kindness or respect, nor why the omission
of it should denote the want of them. To this there is the ready answer
that persons in society have so long been accustomed to associate the act
with the feeling, that they now believe that the one naturally and necessarily
signifies the other, and that nothing but this can do so. As we have observed
before, etiquette is the social dialect of courtesy, by which alone sentiments
are conveyed in high life. Athough the form is significant of an inward
sense only, by arbitrary practice, yet long usage has by this time availed
to inform each barren sign with an instinictive meaning, which can neither
be changed nor struck off. Those formalities which are, in their inception,
but the conventional hieroglyphics of sentiments, have become of the essence
which they were invented to indicate; and he who, wishing to signify a feeling
in established society, should employ a ceremony which ought to express
it, instead of one which is understood to denote it, could not be less polished
than he who is on the daily conference of life should employ the terms of
a philosophic language which he had construced in his closet, instead of
those arbitrary phrases which form the speech of the market-place.
Good Manners
P.121 Thus much we have writen upon the importance of good manners. It is
above all things necessary that every one who enters society should be convinced
oftheir worth and influence, and shouldknow that if he is to succeed in
any profession either of pleasure or of business, they mus form the first,
the most earnest, almost the exclusive object of his pursuit. He who has
them not, might as well be the daily listener to a convent bell. As few
thing can resist their presence, so nothing can supply their absence. The
deepest learning, the highest wisdom, and the most varie accomplishments,
wil be useless, nay, they wil lbe the subject of ridicule or detestation,
without them.
Manner and Emotion
Pp. 135 Any one who hopes to get on at all in life, will find it frequently
necessary to treat men very diferently from what he actually feels, - to
talk pleasantly with those he hates, and behave respectfully to those he
despises. To make the manner contradict the heart, to elaborate a demeanour
purely false and artificial, is a task of extaordinary difficulty and hazard,
and a thing which perhaps no one can do with thorough success. A better
plan, therefore, is actually to create in your bosom the feeling which you
wold manifest, - which is a matter of the utmost facility, - and to persuade
yourself that you wish to indicate. It is necessary if this course be adopted
to lay down, beforehand, a limit of feeling, as a positive barrier beyond
whichyou will not go; else, you ight be carred too far, and your conuct
become the buble of your deceit. The true method of getting along in society
and in business, is to stave off all passionate and hostile feeling, whether
of anger or scorn, and never let it enter your bosom, whatever may be the
provaocation; but to preserve your equanimity as long as you remain in company,
and after you have retired, review the circumstances, and decide what it
is best to do. You will thus be sure that you do not undertke to resent
a thin unless you can carry the revenge through, and conclude it effectively.
This, of course, does not appply to those direct, violent, and unambiguous
insults, which must be noticed by knockind a man down on the spot, and connot
be properly punished in any other way. There are some offences which ought
to be corrected, and yet cannot be corrected in cold blood: in those cases,
the more rapidly you act the better.
Importance of Fashion
Pp.137-138 Though there is no essential merit in fashion, yet every man
who is much in the world should pay that degree of deference to the taste
of others in respect to dress and style, as to adopt what they prefer, since
there is no good reason for deviating. To keep in the fashion as to those
conventional forms which are practised by men of ton, observe closely
the appearance and demeanour of those who are dedicated to that matter.
Study their dress and mode of wearing it, -their usages as to the colour
and wearing of gloves on different occasions, - their habits as to carrying
canes, - employment of their hats, and the thousand minutiae which
make up the picture. It often happens, by the by, that second-rate people
who but live in imitation of persons of fashion, and who are diligent mirrors
of the peculiarities of those above them, afford the best version, of "the
card or calendar of gentry" in affairs of this order. It is true their
copy somewhat caricatures its model, but the strong points of every original
are best seen and studied in caricature.
Actions in Regards to Different Classes
Pp. 140-141 As an instance of that condescension of manner to the views
of ordinary people, if you were to meet a woman, whom you do not know, whose
shoe- string was dragging along the street, or who was herself stooping
down to tie it, you should instantly offer ot arrange it for her, if you
perceive that she is a lady; but I imagine that such an approach from a
stranger would offend a woman of inferior delicacy. Or if in walking with
a friend you have once or twice spoken to a woman of his acquaintance you
should salute her when you meet her alone, provided she is of your own standing
in society; but if you were to do so to one of a lower grade, you would
be very apt to be thought insulting and intrusive, as an "introduction"
in that class is loooked on as an indispensable preliminary to any civility.
Listen with Interest
Pp. 168-169 By showing a man that you appreciate all the hidden wisom of
his dulness, and that you detect that rare intelligence which he has successfully
concealed from all the world besides, you will infallibly gain in his eyes
the reputation of a man of sense. Listen, therefore, inquiringly and docilely,
catch the exact shape and shade of your companion's remark, and reply to
it precisely. In speaking, likewise, assume a look and manner which shall
show that you are anxious to convince the man you talk to, because you think
him worth convincing. "Injuries," says Junius, "are sooner
forgiven than insults:" and nothing is more insulting than indifference
and disregard on occasions of this kind. Call a man a fool to his face,
and he may think that you speak from passion; or declare on `Change that
another is a booby, and he may believe that jealousy prompts you to injure
him; but gape while he is speaking, or reply in a manner to show you have
not heard what he has said and you exhibit and prove to him a hearty, thorough,
and unmitigated contempt. Nothing is so revengeful as wounded self-love.
A calumny injures the reputation, and a wrong hurts the fortune; but neither
of them wound the man: a slight strikes and stings the inmost soul. The
strongest head and the wisest heart are unavaiing to control the madness
which follows: it is the blind instincts of nature that are roused, and
their resentment knows no appeasing.
On Modesty
Pp.185-187 The true policy in this matter, is, to appear to conceal. Such
conduct is always seen, and always gets one credit; for a large possession
of that quality which thus seems to be hidden. If a man, wishing to get
the reputation of wealth, should dress finely, give great dinners, and boast
of his lands and stocks, people will infallibly think that there is something
unsound: but let him dress meanly, complain ostentatiously of his poverty,
or express his fears of it, or seem to wish that all allusion to the subject
should be avoided, and by thus appearing to shun the appearance, he will
get the reputation of the reality. The sagacious world well knows (what
many ostentatious people forget,) that extravagance is the natural characteristic
of poverty, and meanness of wealth. The same is true in the matter of blood
and descent: when men are conscious of their claims, and satisfied with
them, they rest in the reality; they only boast when they are not sure.
As Lord Bacon says of atheists, they make their assertions "by rote,
as that they would have, rather than what they can thoroughly believe, or
be persuaded of." The same considerations run though all other matters,
in which one is anxious to obtain a reputation. If a man boasts of having
been with great persons, like the fellow who used to say that "he had
just come from Sam Johnson," or is often quoting distinguished people,
you may be sure that he is not reallly familiar with them, and that his
won standing is very doubtful. The same thing holds particularly true with
regard to gallantry. If you hear a man boasitng of the favours he has received,
or of the licentiousness into which he has fallen, there is no ecxeption
to the rule, that you may safely conclude those pretensions baseless. Lock
your chest, and appear desirous of pushing it out of notice, and people
will take it for granted that it is full of money; but call your visiter's
attention to your "jewel boxes," in the middle of the floor, as
Mr. Job Johnson did that of his friend Mr. Pelham, and a trick is suspected
at once.
Pride
pg 197-198 women do not like to hear their sex abused; they take it as a
kind of personal insult. Men do not mind it. Perhaps, the reason is that
there is a touch of nobleness to be proud of, in all the errors of men,
- of weakness to be ashamed of in all those of women.
Friends
Pp.274-27 In respect of the forming of acquaintancs and friends, it is proper
to consider that the restraints and clogs which the practice of well- bred
and experienced persons, and the usage of the world generally, impose upon
the facility of acquiring them, probably have their foundation in reason
and convenience, seeing that they were doubtless suggested by necessity,
and approved by exerience. The customs and maxims which prevail among those
persons who having tried the world in all its shapes, have retired with
their knowledge in the decline of life, are entitled to the highest respect;
for, like towers among the mountains, their existence gives proof of the
strength of their foundation, and in the policy of the world of business
and of pleaure, nothing is more firmly establlished than that it is imprudent
in dealings of profit, and ungenteel in matters of amusement, to have intercourse
with strangers, or transactions with any who are not regularly brought before
you, and responsibly recommended to your attention. And these "old
narrow ordinances" of society, transmitted from age to youth and maintained
with even augmented rigour, as time has shown their value, will commend
themselves strongly to the judgment of the wise, by the single weight of
their authority; and no prudent man will deviate from the practice fo those
who are experienced in the world. Have friendships with none of whom you
do not know something. Make it a rule to avoid those who, unintroduced,
offer their acquaintance or friendship. Insist that all with whom you have
intercourse, shall either be presented or known. From these maxims nothing
should induce you to depart; for though an opposite course may sometimes,
by accident, be unattended by unpleasant consequences, it will eventually
lead you into difficulties, and will at all times prevent your feeling the
certainty of safety. If any man will look back upon those actions upon which
he can fix as the most pregnant errors, moral and prudential, of his own
life or in that of any one around him, he will infallibly discover that
the fault proceeded from violting some broad fundamental rule of wisdom.
It has doubtlesss appeared, at the moment, that some particular inducements
in the case were superior to the obligation of the general law, and that
certain peculiarities of circumstance took the occasion out of the usual
principle; but, in fact, those precepts which we speak of are so comprehensive,
as to take within the scope of their appliction all possiple variations
of condiditon, and to affirm their own truth with the consideration of all
the qualifications and abatements which especial accidents could claim.
In truth, these great rules of policy and of ethics, have no exceptions;
and in every event in which they have been set aside, the result has sooner
or later affirmed their justness. The wary and the aged - those in whom
the fear of evil is stronger that the hope of good - would find a sufficient
motive to obedience in theconsideration that danger would be thereby conclusively
avoided; but experience would permit us to go farther, and say to those
who would confide in chance, that opposition to those canons will certainly
bring evil with it.